Tires screeched as the car skidded across the road, screaming an alarm to any who dared cross its path, any who might get in its way as it spun out of control and skated clumsily across the black asphalt. However, the sound of the tires was merely a whisper compared to the sound reverberating from Ella’s lungs, the panicked, shrill cry that pierced the air with a tone of terror, tearing at the very fibers of Cade’s heart. He reached across the seat and grabbed her hand. The steering wheel was beyond controlling now anyway, and he knew their lives were almost at an end, so he grabbed her hand and held on tight, prepared to look death in the eye, hand in hand with the one he loved. The lights of an oncoming car suddenly blazed in front of them, blinding him in its headlights. Over the screaming and screeching he could faintly make out the sound of someone’s horn blazing, bellowing at the injustice of the situation, railing at the tragedy of the collision, the horrifying fact that this was the last Christmas he would ever see. The last words to leave his lips were, “Merry Christmas El-Belle.” The dark void hit him hard, harder, he thought, than the impact of the two cars, and he mused briefly if this was how it felt to die. Then, the misty gray settled around him, a faint haze of darkness that was perhaps the first clouds of heaven, perhaps the first steams of the boiling hell-pot. He smelled smoke, acidic air that scorched his lungs, confirming his theory about the lake of fire. His body felt unnaturally hot, like it was burning…
Cade woke violently, wrenching himself up with a shuddering start, a terrified yell hovering on his lips. The machine next to him beeped unevenly for a moment, then slowed to a more regular pace as his fluttering heart calmed down once more. It was the same nightmare over and over again: her scream, their hands, the heat, and then…nothing. Why hadn’t he died? Why didn’t he die still? Each time the dream occurred it was just as vivid as when it actually happened a week ago. Each time he believed this was the last time he would have to watch the horrible scene replayed. He sighed, falling back on his pillow with a painful thump. He was still alive and she was not. He had lived and she had not. After the crash they had both been rushed to the nearest trauma center, but it was already too late for her. Her death had been instantaneous, merciful. He had lived, “miraculously given a second chance”, as the doctor had put it when he first woke up two days later, after all his surgeries had been conducted successfully. That wasn’t the way he saw it. This was a cruel torture imposed upon him for some morbid, unknown reason, to have survived without Ella. His heart had died with her the moment the car had taken its course of doom; his will to live had died the moment he had opened his eyes and realized that she was gone and he was not. He was a living dead man, in more ways than one. Cade looked mournfully out the window of his hospital room not seeing the brilliant blue sky there, not watching the sunny beams of light dancing through the glass panes, only seeing the pale ghost of Ella’s face formed in the clouds, only hearing the constant traffic of the street bellow that reminded him of that night. Abruptly he turned his face away, shoving it into the pillow as if to drown out all his senses which were constant reminders of Ella. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't deny the fact that she lived more strongly within him than any other place externally. His hands grasped under his pillow searching, frantically, and quickly found the item they were looking for, a small envelope. His fingers contracted around it, holding it as tightly as if it were Ella’s hand reincarnate and somehow by crushing the poor package in his grip he could keep her soul from escaping from him a second time. He slowly pulled his fist out from under the pillow and peered at what he held, his face rapt with anguish. He held several small pills, pills that he was supposed to have been taking at regular intervals for a couple of days now. They resembled small metallic bullets, round and silver, and indeed they were intended for the same results a gun with ammunition might have afforded. Cade had been saving these pills for a single purpose and he almost had enough to be free, enough to be sure that it would work quickly and efficiently, almost enough to see Ella again, almost enough to kill him. He only needed one more. There would be one on his tray tonight when they brought him dinner, and then… His mind drifted into the details of how his scheme would unfold, all the beautiful intricate details of how the poison would spread through his veins and he would never have to hear Ella’s terrified scream again. He drifted off to sleep plotting his death, and dreamed…
Cade's hands were clammy with sweat, his heart beat inconsistently, and his mouth felt as dry as paper. He’d been planning this moment for a couple of weeks now, and he finally had enough courage to go through with it... he hoped. He looked at his watch, anxious that maybe she wasn’t going to stop at her locker today; maybe she had already left for home. He peered both ways down the hall; no one. He counted to one hundred in his head and checked again. Same. It wasn’t until he'd counted to 762 that he finally heard her coming.
She rounded the corner with her usual slew of friends: Melanie, Sylvia, Jessica, and Amber. He held his breath as they approached giggling. Her girlfriends, sensing the atmosphere of the situation quickly scattered leaving him alone with Ella. He wasn’t sure if this was better or worse.
“Hey, um, Ella. I was wondering if I could talk to you…”
She blushed. “Uh, okay.”
“I was thinking, I mean not like there’s any pressure or anything, but I was thinking it might be cool if, maybe… Well, you see I kinda… Like, I mean not LIKE, LIKE, but I think you’re cool and I was wondering if we could… but if you don’t want to that’s okay… Have you seen ‘Elevated’ yet...?” Cade paused for a breath.
Ella turned even brighter pink and giggled slightly. “Sure… I mean, no, I haven’t seen it, and yes I’ll go with you.”
Cade’s eyes bulged out of his head. Did she really just say yes? To him? To Cade Renolds? “Really?”
“Really, really,” she said grinning. “I’ve been WAITING for you to ask me since the eighth grade.” She blushed again, gave him that innocent little smirk he was so fond of and walked away.
Cade’s heart exploded.
…
Cade wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to do or say now that they had actually gotten into the theater and were sitting on the back row waiting for the movie to start. He wasn’t exactly great with words, not with Ella at least. He cleared his throat and took a breath.
“So, um, what did you mean when you said… you know …the thing about waiting since the eighth grade and all that…? I mean, if it’s personal, that okay… I was just… curious?” He ended hesitantly, as if he didn’t know why he was asking.
Ella was humming to herself and munching on the popcorn tub they’d gotten, watching the pre-previews scroll across the screen for what seemed like the fiftieth time. She seemed to not be listening and Cade almost thought she hadn’t heard him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to repeat the question.
“Other than the fact that I’ve liked you since then?”
Cade swallowed loudly. Since eighth grade? That was awhile, longer than he had liked her. But, apparently there was more to her story. “What do you mean?”
“We’re going to get married.”
Cade burst out laughing, completely thrown off guard. He quickly held back his outburst when he looked over at Ella and saw her face. She was totally serious. He blinked, not sure how he was supposed to respond to this. “Uh…”
The movie started then and they were forced to postpone their conversation until some other, perhaps non-existent, time. Cade, relieved, settled back in his chair, not watching the movie at all. What was this girl thinking? They were sophomores in high school for heaven’s sake! And this was only their first date! Talk about fast moving! Cade shuddered as he picture them fifty years in the future, an old couple with wrinkles, but somehow, though the shudder held a certain degree of fear, it was also tainted with hope, a happiness that seemed a little premature, a dream that seemed like it might easily bloom some day in the not so distant future. Maybe Ella was right.
…
Ella smiled triumphantly as she walked across the stage, hands ready to hold the piece of cardboard crap that she had worked so hard and long for, her high school diploma. She took it gracefully and then advanced to the podium and cleared her throat. She scanned the group and quickly found the face she was looking for. Cade smiled back at her and waved, a proud grin seeping through his features, his very own valedictorian.
“Friends, kindred spirits, companions, we celebrate today a victory that has been fought with many a price, that has tested and tried us, that has put us upon the scale of life and found us not to be lacking, that has measured the determination in our heart and the expansion of our minds. It has been a worthwhile battle, a battle for which we will never stop reaping priceless rewards. Looking back over these past four years…”
As Ella recounted numerous sweet and bitter tales from days past, Cade recalled his relationship with her these past three years. The first couple of months back in tenth grade, their sorry breakup that lasted for all of one class period junior year, prom the last two years, the all too short summer days of sand volleyball and surfing at the beach, all the precious memories he held of her and the happiness they had together. And, as he thought, he remembered that strange, prophetic statement Ella had shared, and somehow he knew it was true. It took him three years to figure it out, but he finally acknowledged the legitimacy of the claim. He loved Ella Kenly, and somehow she had known it all along.
…
“Hey Ella! Soooooooo? How’s Harvard? Are they all as wacky smart as you there or do you plan to put them all to shame like you did all those bugger back at Oakwood?” Cade was walking back to his dorm from his first official day of college, his arms piled high with text books and other school supplies, munching on a huge hamburger, and cramming the phone between his shoulder and his head so that his arms were free to hold the books and food.
“Hey, no making fun! I had a wonderful first dose of the deadly drug called college and I can already tell you I am completely addicted, thank you very much! How ‘bout you?”
Cade snorted at her joke. “Hilarious, El-Belle, and nice attempt at avoiding your full account. I’m not so easily distracted. I believe it was I who called you and so it is I who have the right to do the inquiring and you who have the right to start responding!”
“Oh really? I also have the right to hang up on you if I wish to…”
“But you wont.”
Ella sighed, defeated, and then chuckled at his obstinacy. “I always knew you should have been in debate. Hmm… what to tell? You would probably like my Philosophy teacher, Mr. Tenino. He’s very… unique. He wore a purple suit to class with an orange bowtie and bunny slippers. It was hilarious! The slippers squeaked every time he walked and I had a hard time concentrating for the entire class period!”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“No I’m being perfectly serious! I wish you could have seen him!"
“Well, maybe I could come visit and you could introduce me to him.”
“Actually, I was just about to ask when we get to see each other again. This whole living half a country apart is really bummer. I was thinking maybe for Thanksgiving I could fly to Phoenix and meet you there, and we could take a couple days to drive home together.”
“You’re already thinking about November? It’s only September El-Belle! Are you that sick of school already? I don’t even like school that much and I’m not even sick of it yet!”
“No…I just miss you.”
The phone was quiet for a moment as Cade thought about what to say. He missed her too, of course, but he wanted to say something that would make this easier for her, something that would make her less lonely.
“Hey El-Belle, you were right.”
“Huh?”
“You were right… back in tenth grade in the hall… when you said we were going to get married some day.”
The other end of the phone was the one that held the silence now. Cade held his breath, anxious that he said the wrong thing. He’d only repeated her own words, no harm in that, right?
“Are you telling me, or asking me?”
Oh. That’s why she paused. “Both I guess.”
Another long silence ensued, and Cade felt his heart pick up speed, anxious. He had definitely not planned to propose to Ella over the phone on their first day of college. He had planned to wait, and he was beginning to regret the impulse of his words.
“Well… I won’t say yes until you have a ring, and are asking me in person, but under those circumstances the answer would quite probably be… yes.”
Ella choked out the last part of the sentence, her voice cracking with emotion. She was about to cry.
“El-Belle? Are you crying? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… That was wrong of me… I should have waited until…”
“No.” The word was firm, decided.
…
Everything had gone just as he had planned it. She never suspected a thing. After their conversation on the first day of school he knew what he was going to do, and the last three months he had been planning it to perfection. He had gotten permission from Ella’s father to ask for her hand, and then proceeded to scheme and plot the perfect plan for his proposal. What he came up with was a surprise flight to Massachusetts where he would pick her up to drive to Silver Lake Resort where he would propose to her before they made their way back to Milford for Christmas. They were now just leaving SilverLake, and everything had gone just as planned. It was Christmas Eve, he was engaged, and Ella was beaming in the seat beside him. Perfect.
Outside the car, a light snow had begun to fall, and the sky was beginning to get dark. They were almost home, just in time for the annual Christmas Eve service at their old church. The snow started getting thicker and Cade gripped the wheel a little hard, growing slightly concerned as his visibility grew less and less. He’d driven in worse weather than this. He wasn’t worried, only cautious. Ella, in the passenger seat asleep, was oblivious to growing storm. She’d been asleep for a couple of hours now, smiling happily in her dreams.
Suddenly there was a sharp turn in the road. Cade jerked the steering wheel to keep on course, pulling a little too hard and braking a little too fast. Ella woke up, just as the car started losing traction. The tires screeched as the car skidded across the road. Ella screamed, her terror piercing the stale air inside the car and shattering the perfect atmosphere. Out of control, the car was beyond correcting, and Cade knew their lives rested in fate’s hands alone. He let go of the steering wheel and reached across the car to take Ella’s hand in his. He felt the sharp edge of her engagement ring dig into his palm as he clasped Ella’s hand, their future in the palm of his hand. Light’s blazed in font of them, the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. With the blazing of the horn in accompaniment Cade whispered, “Merry Christmas, El-Belle.” Everything went black.
...
“Cade, Cade, sweetie, wake up. I have something to give you. Cade, can you hear me? Cade I need you to open your eyes.”
Cade was slowly roused from his nightmare by a familiar voice, gently coaxing him awake. The voice called his name, pleaded him to open his eyes, and whispered something about a present, a Christmas present that he hadn’t gotten. It was a voice of honeyed sweetness that he had thought he would never hear again. Ella.
Cades eyes shot open. Mrs. Kenly, Ella’s mom, kneeled by his bed. Cade was confused. “Where’s Ella?”
A look of unfathomable pity washed over Mrs. Kenly’s face, a sadness almost as deep as that which Cade felt when he realized his mistake. Ella’s voice was almost the same as her mom’s, similar in almost every way. He thought Mrs. Kenly was Ella. She wasn’t back. His nightmare was still real.
“Cade, Ella’s… gone. In the crash…she…” Mrs. Kenly’s eyes seeped with tears, “…died. Do you remember?”
Remember? Remember?! How could he NOT remember? How could he forget the last moments he had with her? How could he forget the terror in her voice, and her clinging to his hand? How could he forget that the best thing he could do, the best thing her could say, was ‘Merry Christmas?’ How could he ever forget that it was all his fault? Yes, he remembered, much too well. Cade nodded.
Mrs. Kenly smiled gloomily and nodded back. “I brought you something, Cade. I found it in Ella’s things when we were unpacking her suitcase. I thought you might want to keep it. Here.” She handed him a smooshed little box wrapped in brightly colored Christmas paper. The bow on top was beyond repair, and the wrapping was ripped in a few places, but without a doubt it was the most beautiful Christmas present he had ever seen. On top, beside the ugly golden bow, was a tag with Ella’s handwriting on it. ‘To: Cade’ it said, ‘LOVE: El-belle!’
“I don’t know what it is, but it’s what she left for you, and I know that in and of itself is worth more to you than anything. Go ahead, open it.”
Cade knew that the poor woman was just as tormented as he was by what Ella’s last gift might be, but somehow he could not bring himself to do it. It just didn’t seem right that he should open it, when she hadn’t even given it to him yet. It didn’t seem right to celebrate Christmas without her. He couldn’t open, curious as he was; he couldn’t do it. “Mrs. Kenly, I… can’t.”
Ella’s mother started to protest, but stopped herself short and looked him in the eye, tears glistening again. She looked at him compassionately, rebukingly, understandingly, and sadly, her face washed over with a thousand different emotions. Cade could read the difficulty with which she had forced herself to come and he felt sorry for her, but he still couldn’t make himself touch the little package sitting in his lap.
Ella’s mother spoke softly, “Cade, I know this is difficult for you, but you can’t blame yourself. Accidents do happen, and untimely as this accident was, the fact is that it was no one’s fault. Please don’t blame yourself. I know Ella wouldn’t have wanted you to, and no one else does. Randy and I considered it a tremendous blessing that you asked our daughter to marry you. You’ve been like a son to us since Ella first brought you home, and we could never have hoped for anyone better for our daughter. As much as it hurts, you have to accept the facts, Cade. That’s a hard thing to do, and I know it won’t happen in a day, but I do hope that you will not let this ruin your life. Ella wouldn’t want that. She’d want you to be happy, even without her. Randy and I love loved Ella too, and we’ll all have to learn to do a little coping for awhile, but life must go on. We love you, Cade. We still consider you our son-in-law, and we’ll be here for you anytime you need us. Remember that, Cade. You’re not alone in this.”
With that Mrs. Kenly got up to go, leaving Ella’s present sitting on Cade’s lap. At the door she paused. “I think Ella would have wanted you to open it, Cade. I think you need know how much you meant to her.” With that said, she walked out the door without waiting for Cade to respond, to try to give back what didn’t belong to him anymore. She left behind an uncomfortable warmth and uncanny suspicion spiced with a hint of challenge. Cade didn’t like feeling guilty.
He didn’t have long to think about that though, for almost immediately after Mrs. Kenly disappeared through the door, in came the nurse with his dinner tray.
“How are we today, Mr. Renolds? Ready for dinner?” the nurse asked cheerily. She place the tray on the table beside him and looked down at the smashed box in his lap. “What’s this? A belated Christmas present? How nice! Do want to open it or should I put it over here until you’re done eating?”
“Later,” Cade mumbled and grabbed his orange juice from the tray, gulping it down in just a few gulps.
“Well, aren’t you the thirsty one today? Would you like some ice water to wash all that good food down? I’ll go get you some more to drink.” The nurse hurried out of the room to fetch him a glass of water, just as he’d wanted.
Cade grabbed the little stack of pills by his plate, and found the silver one he was looking for. He was just putting his little envelope back under his pillow when the nurse returned.
“Ready to take your pills?” The nurse handed him the glass and he swallowed the whole handful of other tablets and capsules in one motion. He was good at deceiving her. He’d learned to be inconspicuous and take all the pills at once, so that she couldn’t see that every night one went missing. One little silver bullet, one little dose of death. All that was left to do was wait for the nurse to leave for the night, and then he would be free to pursue his own methods of healing, the soothing of his spirit, or lack thereof.
The nurse left for the last time around ten o’clock. Cade waited until eleven just to be sure he wasn’t going to be disturbed until morning. It wouldn’t matter then. Now he was alone, and almost free.
His hand sunk under his pillow, quickly taking hold of his precious horde of death. He pulled it out and turned on his reading light. The little pills gleamed metallic in the dim light, glinting and blinking at him as he turned them over in his hands. Six pills, one for every night he had been awake since the accident, representing six terrible flashbacks of the horror of Christmas Eve. Now it was New Year’s Eve, and he was sitting alone in a hospital room without Ella, about to commit suicide, seven days later. Cade’s hands were shaking as he reached over to take the glass of water from his bed stand. His fingers brushed across the little package where the nurse had put it earlier at dinner. Cade shuddered and held back the tears that sprung to his eyes. Shaking his head he grabbed the water and pushed the box on the floor.
Within seconds he had already swallowed three of the six pills. He paused to let them sink in, determined that he would let this linger, that he would let the poison eat his bowels slowly so that he would go through just as much pain as his dear, sweet Ella had gone through. It wasn’t long before he could feel the effects of his drugs. They worked fast, and he took another one as soon as the pain peaked. Four. A fire raged within his stomach, fierce and unrelenting. He waited as long as he could to take another pill, and when he could bear it no more, raised the glass to his lips again and swallowed with agony. Five. He had only one more pill to go. He would wait for this one. He would wait until the world was dimming and his body was burning. He would postpone the end until the suffering was about to knock him out, and then he would say goodbye to the world and hello to Ella.
The present lay motionless on the floor, sad and rejected. Cade glared at it, willing the temptation to open it to dissipate. Maybe, since he was nearly at death’s door, he could open it… Maybe it was alright since he was going to end up in the same place as Ella soon enough… Maybe…
Cade’s hand reached down and tenderly picked up the little package. His Ella had left this for him. It seemed rude that he shouldn’t open it before he was gone. Mrs. Kenly was right, El-Belle would have wanted it that way. His fingers found the seem of the wrapping paper at the bottom of the package. He pulled gently, ripping the paper of slowly and carefully. Corner by corner the green and red came off the box and fell in shreds on Cade’s lap. The flattened bow fell of the bed and onto the floor. Cade rubbed the label in between his fingers, relishing the idea that Ella’s hands had held it too. Unwrapped the box was unimpressive, black and plain. It was about the size of pop-tart box. Cade picked it up with fire stinging his hands. He was going to have to take the last pill soon. He could feel his system going into shock and he knew he would pass out soon if he didn’t shoot the final bullet. But he was going to open the box first, for Ella.
In his right hand he grabbed the bottom, with his right, he took the lid between his fingers. He blinked a few times to clear the haziness, and then closed his eyes while he pulled the lid off. He looked inside.
One tear rolled down his cheek. Two. Three. And then there were too many to count as they quickly came gushing out. They poured down his face as he sobbed, shoulders shaking convulsively as he stared at what was in the box. His eyes gushed huge, heavy, happy, bitter tears that ran down his face and fell in big droplets on his lap where the last pill lay beckoning. With the box in his left hand, clutching the precious gift to his chest, Cade picked up the pill and looked at it. He looked at it and he saw the irrationality, the stupidity, the childishness of what he had been about to do. He looked at the pill and hurled it across the room. Then, still sobbing, and with his body ablaze with poison, he curled up on his hospital bed with Ella’s Christmas box in his arms. He could feel his mind going numb, the final draw of his silver bullets taking their toll, as he lost consciousness. He hadn’t taken the last pill, he wouldn’t die, but he would come close to it. But he wasn’t going to die.
All other thoughts faded in his mind, except for one:
“Merry Christmas, El-Belle.”
